GTA 4 Sucked. I’m sorry.

I may be one of very few voices when I say this: but god, Grand Theft Auto 4 disappointed me. Frankly, it sucked.

I think all the perfect 10s it got reflect more the hopes and dreams of the gaming community than the reality of the game we were given. Critics jumped the gun as soon as they were given gorgeous graphics and a world that at first sight, appeared living and breathing. This I’ll give it: it starts out with a lot of promises. The problem is, it just doesn’t keep them.

I don’t hate the Grand Theft Auto series. But to say I’m a fan would be a stretch. For a series that’s lynch-pin is immersion, Rockstar always manages to find a way to completely shatter it for me and then run it over with a ten-ton truck. For Vice City it was the instant death awarded when Tommi Vercetti as much as put one toe in water. In San Andreas it was the complete lack of anyway to fire around corners or seek cover.

So what’s the problem Noah? They’ve been fixing these complaints with each successive release.

But the thing is, this particular issue is something they should have down by now. In GTA IV, I can scarcely fucking believe how awful the enemy AI is.

They grab cover sure. But then they set up camp, and wait to be picked off when they decide to bob their heads around the corner. I’m not fucking joking. The only strategy required of you is to engage your auto-aim, which I might add, will target enemies 100 yards away hiding behind concrete pilons, and then show a little opaque circle when they are exposed regardless of whether you can see them or not. You unload on them with the M16, switch targets, repeat, and then advance through the area to repeat it again.

Not to mention that the M16 is so unbelievably powerful that you don’t even need to worry about head-shots once you get it.

And they just wait for it. They don’t throw grenades. They don’t rush at you. They don’t flank you. With one finger on the auto aim and one on the trigger, you can win end-game gunfights blindfolded. Getting ambushed from the roof? Do you even care? Auto-target away (Whoa! I didn’t even realize there were guys up there! Not that that’s a problem now!).

Who testing this game thought this was fun? Or better yet, who reviewing it thought it was? I mean come on. A game should at least resemble something of a challenge.

Okay, maybe I’m spoiled because this is my first console GTA—the others I played on PC. But still, the auto-aim combined with the non-existent AI from enemies really cripples this game for me. And I want to like it. I really do.

Money is absolutely pointless. After a certain bank robbery mission—where I might add you finally unlock the M16 god-cannon—you’re awarded 200,000 dollars. That was four times as much money as I had at the time, and after that I didn't need money the entire rest of the game. I’m not kidding. And there’s nothing to spend it on but ammo.

Making a trip to the gun-shop? Shit, throw in some RPGs for fun when you get bored. There’s nothing stopping you from being Rambo for the rest of the game. I didn’t even do any of the optional side-missions to load up on cash. I wouldn’t have needed to. I can only imagine how it felt for some players to have Rockstar bitch-slap them in the face with “You totally wasted your time!” later.

And what the hell is up with this “hanging out” mini-game? I could smell chore from a mile away—and I was right. I didn’t play GTA to go shoot pool with my friends. I play GTA to blow up cars, wreck mayhem, and bang hookers.

So don’t give me this crap. Not to mention that of all your friends you’re the only person who can legally drive in this game (oh wait, you can’t?). Really, I wouldn’t have minded this feature as much had they just driven you (instant travel, mind) to the destination every once in a while. I mean my god, am I this guy’s friend or his chauffeur?

Oh and the rewards suck. Bad. But I’ve got to say I’m thankful. If I seriously had to take breaks from murder to make sure my friends weren’t lonely just so I could finish the game, it would have made this title that much more frustrating.

Story

Come on. GTA’s all about the story right? That’s why it’s all worth it. So how’s that?

Well first, I’d like to know where you came up with that idea because GTA’s stories have never been that memorable. I’d say the pinnacle of GTA’s story-telling is still Vice City, and although this story isn’t bad, it just isn’t that interesting. You never rise to the top scarface-style to become the ultimate gangster. You stay a delivery / odd-job boy the entire game. Not to spoil, but even the revenge in the game is often completely anti-climactic.

The characters range from irritating to “skip this cutscene because I can’t stand this guy.” With one exception, Niko himself, every character is entirely one dimensional sprinkled with cheap attempts at comic relief. There isn’t a single likable character other than the protagonist in this whole game.

Other Quips

· What the FUCK Rockstar!? WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN TANKS?!
· Is it too much to ask for checkpoints at the beginning of missions? Repeating 15 minutes of travel time every time you die is as much fun as waiting in line for a roller coaster.
· As covered in other reviews, running from the police is a joke now.

Praise

· I actually like the controversial new driving system. It felt very realistic that you can’t make a 90 degree turn at 50 mph without some serious skill. I love when people whine about this on forums, but hate to break it to you, cars can't do this in real life. Vehicles felt like they had weight, and actually I’ve been complaining about the physics in GTA games since Vice—so I’m actually really happy they finally fixed this issue.
· The graphics were great, if not blinding at times.
· Radio Broker kicks ass. It introduced me to a lot of excellent tunes.

Conclusion:

Ultimately, GTA IV made me understand that really all I wanted out of it was an exciting dark-crime drama with lots of shooting and danger. No travel downtime, no buying food at burger shot, no taking friends on dates so I can get into their pants—just pure unadulterated action. The problem is actually really simple: I wanted GTA to be Max Payne.

Maybe the one thing that makes this game worth a perfect score is the multi-player. But as I didn’t buy this game to play it online, I’m reviewing it for the single-player portion only. Maybe the PC version, without the crippling auto-targeting system will improve the game dramatically—but I’m not going to stick around to find out.

In the end, GTA, I want you to be something you aren’t. And I know I can’t change you. Once I thought I felt something for you, but now I realize I was just projecting misplaced feelings onto you. I know, it isn’t fair and I’m sorry. But…we’re going to break up.

But not with just you, I’m done with open-ended games period. They’re like communism: sounds like a good idea, but it just never works out. (I’m looking at you Oblivion).

All images are owned by their respective owners, not me. The image above is owned by Gamespot and Rockstar.